oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
