i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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