I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
