Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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