I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
