I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
