Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
