I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
