Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
