in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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