I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
