I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
