I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
