I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
