Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
