I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
