i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
