3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
