I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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