If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize
