Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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