he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
