he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
