even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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