You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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