I am spending my child support on dildos
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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