you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
