Umm I'm too high to move.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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