I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
