i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
