Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
