so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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