I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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