I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
