I'm so fucking centered right now
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
