I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
