I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
