At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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