I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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