i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
