just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
