Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
