Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
