When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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