can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
