You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
