If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
