The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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