Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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