dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
