she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My life is pants optional.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
