No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
