I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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