It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it's great music for shaving your balls
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
