i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
