apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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